


Emotions

by Althecynth



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Based on TGC, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Merlin's pov, Spoilers, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 05:26:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12183765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Althecynth/pseuds/Althecynth
Summary: The 2 times Merlin has let his emotions take over him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I changed some parts and convos that prolly never tool place in the movie. I listened to Take Me Home, Country Roads so many times and had this idea. I'm sorry ahead but I hope you cry with me. (;_;)

**1**

A toast to each and every fallen comrade, a tear for every memory. Merlin isn’t known for displaying so many emotions. He blames his predicament to the Statesman bourbon on his hand, his 7th glass, he believes if his mind isn’t too fuzzy to remember. He has Eggsy for his companion in his bad state. Here Merlin is, a sobbing mess with red eyes fading into his face, but Eggsy is holding well. He just sits there, listening to him and not one look of judgement or disgust sweeps past his handsome face.

Of course he’s handsome. In fact, a very decent lad Merlin hasn’t seen in many young adults in this generation. He understands why Princess Tilde couldn’t accept her encounter with Eggsy as a onetime affair. She saw the appeal in him as much as Merlin did. Merlin’s beginning to notice small simplicities as well: like how Eggsy can’t help but slouch with furrowed brows when he’s thinking too deep, how his broad shoulders still when he’s alert, how he bites his lip when he’s unsure. He’s seeing it all.

Eggsy catches him stare and so Merlin looks away and says, “I think we should drink to Scotland.” Even if the alcohol was getting the better of his system, Merlin was impressed on Eggsy’s quick mind to stop him from pouring another. A very good lad.

They sat in silence for seconds and it was the last thing Merlin wanted to hear: Nothing. He doesn’t want to remember the pain, nor does he want to forget. But he needs to keep his mind elsewhere to keep himself sane until their problem is over.

“You know my favorite singer is John Denver.” He says while staring at his reflection found on the remains of his drink, not looking at Eggsy.

Eggsy shrugs. “Didn’t know you were the type for Country music. Always thought you were the traditional Scottish man.” Merlin ought to be offended by the remark, but he couldn’t find it in him to be upset. He never told too much about himself to the man after all.

“He died in a plane crash. October 1997.”

“Okay…?” Eggsy looked bewildered at this sudden topic but he didn’t make any attempt to change it. “So he was your idol?”

“More like someone I looked up to. His song, ‘Take me home, Country roads’, was my favorite. Reminds me of when I left my hometown on the way to London. And before you ask, yes, I did grew up in Scotland. But it wasn’t much of a home than it was when I first arrived in Kingsman.”

“Hey. Same here, guv. My flat was nothing like a home when Dean settled in.”

“That makes two of us, then.” Eggsy whipped at him, disbelief in his eyes, the unasked question ringing in Merlin’s head, “I had a stepmother. I’d rather not go in details but she was the worst person to ever step into my life. I had to leave while I still could because who would want to live with someone like that?” He sat up a bit straighter and was tempted to grab the bottle from Eggsy’s hands, but he argued against it. “Denver’s song was enough to keep me hoping. Like you, I did what I could until I met the previous Merlin reading dusty books in the library of my town.”

Lightly, Eggsy giggled. “He sounds more like the real Merlin.”

“He had a long, snowy beard and wore spectacles.”

“Shut up! Like Dumbledore?”

“Like Dumbledore.” Merlin affirmed. He smiled when Eggsy laughed even harder and joined him. The young man’s laugh was contagious. Eggsy’s eyes slowly softened and gazed at Merlin. Merlin was not aware that he wasn’t looking away.

“I hope I get to see this Merlin grow one himself. Might look good on you.”

Merlin knew what he meant. Kingsman employees rarely grow old and wrinkly because of the nature of their jobs. Being handlers was no different when there are people who believe they have to first destroy the inner works of the foundation before attacking its agents. The old Merlin died as testament to this. He was killed in a Science Fair held in Oxfords when he was besieged by the event’s host and his men who had actually planned everything.

Everyone was at risk.

But Merlin didn’t need to remind Eggsy what their job entailed. He knew what the young man actually wanted to hear. Eggsy needed to know that Merlin isn’t going anywhere, isn’t going to die, and isn’t going to leave him. It makes Merlin’s heart ache.

On his seat, Merlin adjusts himself until he is facing Eggsy, who was silently watching his every move. It was now easier to notice the few freckles on his face, the scar on his left brow, the crease between his eyes, the strength in his soul. Carefully, Merlin takes Eggsy’s face in his large hands and brings him closer, their foreheads colliding gentle skin to skin. Eggsy doesn’t flinch back but closes his eyes, his breathing steady and warm against Merlin’s lips, almost touching.

“Lad…” Merlin starts, “Eggsy,” he corrects, “There will be a time that I am not going to be here– “

“Sounds like you’re okay with dying.” Eggsy mutters angrily. Merlin chose to ignore it for the sake of passing his message.

“Which is why I want to spend every last breath in my body with you. I want to cherish everything we have left. There will always be a gain but everything is loss in the end. I’ve known for a long time that life isn’t staying. It always leaves. But know this,” Merlin’s voice grew deeper and less audible for anyone to hear, “I live because I want to. I want to be with you. I want you, lad. I’m not going to die while I can still refuse it and I’m not going to leave while I can still have you. You understand?”

 Hands quivered and the air was damper, Merlin was in tears. How can he not? The mere thought of his boy thinking of being alone hurt. He could live forever with him if he had the powers, but he was still an ordinary man with a great love for this lovely young agent. Eggsy opened his eyes and looked up at him, distancing himself a bit to see him better. He still hasn’t shed a tear but he was close. He was able to hold onto Merlin’s order than Merlin could to himself.

“I understand.” Eggsy says. “I hope you’ll have me, too.” That’s all Merlin wanted to hear.

They stayed close together for a while. Eggsy lifts the bottle and gazes at it until he freezes.

“Merlin? I think we’re going to Kentucky.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Merlin steps on the landmine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter got me feeling down. Enjoy!

**2**

It felt as if Merlin’s foot was already burning, his left foot standing on the land mine Eggsy was on seconds ago. Were it a completely different situation, he would have made fun of how goofy and stark white Eggsy and Harry’s face are right now. However, jokes were out of the question.

“What the fuck, Merl!?” Eggsy growled in a low voice because he knew that they were still in an enemies’ lair. He attempted to step closer, but Merlin held out a hand to stop him from approaching.

“There’s no time. You two go ahead and stop Poppy. Release the antidote on time before it’s too late.”

Harry was wary. “Don’t be ridiculous! We can still get out of this. Give me that bottle.”

Merlin shook the tin can, proving a point that it’s used up. “The bottles empty now. Half a second is all it gives and it’s gone.”

“We’re not leaving without you, Merlin.” Eggsy says.

“There’s no time, lad. We need to get those antidotes before the majority of the population dies. Eggsy, you take the right side, Harry the left. Stay in position until I give the signal. This is our chance.”

“But-“

“I was there when your Dad died. I did nothing. I don’t want to make the same mistake with you. This is how I repay him. To keep you alive.”

Merlin knew better than to bring Lee as a subject into this argument but he didn’t regret it. Even if it was so, so painful to be helpless in comforting Eggsy who was on the verge of breaking, he had to look strong for their sake. He’s been ready to die for so long for Kingsman and for the greater good, but this isn’t just about any of that anymore. This is also for Eggsy. He deserves so much and has his whole life ahead of him. He won’t let a bloody land mine take it while he’s here.

“I told you,” Merlin whispers, “You can shed a tear in private once all this is over.” Something in his face must have been convincing because Eggsy reluctantly stepped back and warily walked to the spot where Merlin told him to stay in position. It relieved him just a bit. Merlin and Harry stared at each other. Harry looked as pained as he was but they both know who’s in the receiving end of it all. Harry’s glasses were concealing the tears forming in his eye, but Merlin did him a favor from not calling him out on it.

Resolutely, Harry raised his right hand at him and offered a salute. Farewell.

Before he disappeared from the trees and bushes, Merlin called out to him.

“Harry… Take care of him.”

Harry almost choked on his tears but held it in. He nodded and walked away.

Merlin was alone now.

He faced front, getting ready. He might not get to taste the action and thrill of beating one’s ass like the old times but he has a different plan to at least take part in clearing them a way in.

A sound from the back had him recoil a bit, keeping his mind on the landmine underneath him. He looked around and saw a figure coming out from the dark plants – Eggsy.

Merlin was furious. “I thought I told you to stay in position. And I meant it as an order and you-“ He stopped midway, falling speechless at the expression Eggsy wore. He looked torn, shoulders defeated, eyes with nothing but sadness, guilt, hate. “Eggsy – “

“This is all my fault.” Eggsy quietly whimpered. “I had one job with the mine detector, Merlin – One job – and I fucked up just like I did with everything else! And now it’s going to bite me in the ass real hard. I’m going to lose you!”

Eggsy stood there, an arm away from Merlin’s reach and he wants to stretch his arms out to hold him, tell him everything will be alright when it won’t, tell him that he’ll be fine when he’s not sure he will. He can’t say anything to make the agony go away. Merlin is really helpless now.

He had to let him go. As much as he doesn’t want to, he has to. He may want to be selfish but he can’t be heartless. They have a mission to complete.

“All those mistakes are giving you a chance. You can take this chance and make the best of it or ignore it and regret it for the rest of your life.” His gut clenched as Eggsy’s nose and cheeks flushed. He urged on, “Eggsy, you did not do anything wrong. No, don’t say it. This may be an accident but you are anything but a fuck up. You are brave, smart and strong, just like your Dad but even better. And I need you to carry on, finish this and save the world again. You will be spectacular.”

“I don’t want to lose you. Harry’s finally back but that don’t mean you’ve got to die. You mean aot to me, Merlin.” And the he slowly confesses, "I love you." 

He can’t anymore.

Merlin slowly grabbed on Eggsy’s hand to bring him closer yet far from him. He leaned down and kissed his boy’s forehead, his tear-stained eyes, down to his nose, and then to his sweet, sweet lips. They opened to one another and gasped into each other’s breath, drawing deeper and desperate for more until Merlin let go and observed the young man. He was a treasure and he will forever remember this: Eggsy’s unkempt hair, brilliant eyes, tender lips, bold strength and bravery, wit – everything.

_Even if he doesn't voice it, he knows Eggsy can hear him loud and clear. That Merlin has and will always love Eggsy._

“I want to know that you and Harry will complete this mission. Let me believe that you’re still going to live, fight and save everyone. Can you do that?”

Eggsy was obviously going to protest but slowly and ever dimly accepted. Yes, Merlin admits, he’s unfair. But it needs to be done. If he says it now, he won't ever let go. Won't ever leave Eggsy. 

One last kiss and this time Eggsy is gone from his sight.

And tears start to fall in Merlin’s eyes. He’s let Eggsy see him cry once, he won’t let it happen now. They both need to go through this.

He wipes his eyes, shoulders squared. Fear creeps into him but he ignores it.

He hears a song in his head. It reminds him of the sea, the large field of grass and the bright sky. It’s comforting.

It’s time.

 


End file.
